With Great Suffering Comes Great Responsiblilty

“With great pain comes great responsibility!” I wrote this in my journal a few months back. Its wrote on a random page, I remember when I heard the words (not audibly) but in my spirit. Yes, God uses my inner super hero nerd to speak sometimes!! He made me, he knows how to make things click with me!!! It was one of those times I knew I needed to write it down, to pay attention, take notice of why these words were calling me.  I have been struggling for a while wanting to write, I have a journal full of topics, scriptures, devotions all things God has lead me to yet every time I go to compose something His spirit in me tells me its not the time for that particular subject matter.  As I study and go to God for direction looking to all he has lead me to the past few months, I see the common tread in every book, every chapter, every verse He has lead me to. Its that random page where I jotted down six little words. The key Suffering.

Suffering,

it is looked at to be a negative thing, something horrible, disgusting, unbearable, stomach wrenching. We have all heard the phrase “Crap Happens” little different wording but you know what Im talking about. Our struggles, our trials, all the “bad” things that happen to us dont have to be this black hole that sucks us in. Yes, in the midst of a storm it is hard, you are vunerlable, confused, and probally facing the worst pain you have ever endured. The time is filled with lies, uncertainty, grief, shame, guilt and even mourning of what has been stripped from you. Suffering has to happen, especially if you are a follower of Christ, God doesn’t cause the things that bring us our suffering but He does allow them, so through His power, love, mercy and grace, He will be able to make good of all that is stripped from us. The thing is, during this time of suffering you are at a cross roads, your spirit is at its most vulnerable state, the enemy has full access to you as God always does, and you will hear the enemy louder than ever. You have to decide who you are leaving the storm with, no matter who you choose does not in any way guarentee and quicker calm, but your choice does hold the guarentee of finding Joy in your suffering and possessing the fruits God has for you. Suffering has a way of repositioning you so you can recieve all God intended for you from the beginning.

It took a long time for me to see that all the pain I have endured throughout my life wasn’t always my fault (I’ve made bad choices here and there) but others choices did effect my life in big ways, especially as a child. People, jobs, things that are connected to us in this life aren’t always what is best for the calling God has on our lives no matter how good they seem.  He is a good good Father and will never allow any circumstance to come your way unless it is for your good and sometimes loss is good, sometimes pain has a purpose you can not yet see. There is a part of me many don’t know because I have hid it, shoved down deep the pain and suffering I have endured in my life. There were times of heavy shame, grief and even guilt. I didn’t want anyone to know, I wanted to be normal. My life has been filled with narcissists that have filled me with self doubt, made me doubt of my worth and even my dignity.

I know pain…

I am from a broken home, I didn’t know one of my parents till I was 9. At 9  I was kidnapped/taken from the only thing I had ever known by the parent I’d never met to a totally different state. Due to the brokenness of my home between biological and unbiological parents, the relationship with one of my parents never developed. I know abandonment, what its like to feel unwanted, unimportant. The 9 year lie being unraveled opened up many forms of abuse and addiction with in my home. By the time I was in the 6th grade I had been in 9 different schools across two different states.  I know what its like to not belong and how not to get attached to people because they don’t stick around.  At 14 I was put in a situation, due to the addiction in my home, were I was raped and then soon after forced to live with my attacker. I was trapped in this environment till I was 18, when I was finally mature enough to realize I had more choices than the lesser of the 2 abuses I was given to live in.

It would be years before I accepted Christ and from 18 till now has had it trials and suffering. For years I tore every painful moment of my childhood apart trying to figure out what I could have done different not to go through just some of it, if only that that scarred me the most. I searched for a way to lessen the pain, grief, guilt and shame but now coming up on 36 filled with Gods grace and love, I don’t see pain and brokenness anymore, I don’t see a girl who was abandon and unloved. I see a girl who was loved beyond measure, who was carried through the darkest of times to become the woman I am today. I had a God I didn’t even know and had not given my life to stand beside me and make good of all that was meant to destroy me, meant to strip me of all God had planned for me. When I tell my story it is not about the pain and suffering I endured, its not for me to gain anything, it is to tell of the One who was there when I didn’t want Him, didn’t follow Him, and never thought of Him. Its to tell about every GOOD thing that came from all the pain and suffering. It is time to tell Gods Story and how He has made a hurt, scared, battered little girl in to a God fearing woman with purpose. I will no longer be ashamed, I am not damaged but fearfully and wonderfully made. A sweet friend told me my story might be the key that unlocks someone else’s prison, yours may be also. Step out in Faith and tell of all the Lord has brought you through, there is a purpose for His Kingdom.

With Great Pain Comes Great Responsibility!!!