Finding Yourself Again

There has been an ache in my soul for a while now. I haven’t really been sure why but it’s kinda like being at the beach and a big wave catches you off guard and as you work your way back to your feet, gasping for air, hair all over your face, here comes another one dragging you under again and again and again. Some where along the way of being dragged down again and again and again my words got lost….  It has been a close the blinds, grab a blanket, curl up on the couch and hope no one calls or comes by kinda season. It’s a just leave me alone and I’ll leave you alone season, a having something to say but knowing it will fall on deaf ears so what’s the use of saying anything at all season.  At some point someone or something silenced me even though God is moving fiercely all around me. I’m drained….Im not tired, worn out, stressed….just drained. My get up and go has got up and went!! There is something gone, missing and I believe it’s my desire. I have lost my desire to dredge through muck and mud with those who keep dunking themselves and running back into deep waters. Its like chasing a toddler that keeps running back towards a busy street laughing. But I continue to stand chest deep in the murky waters waiting for what happens next, hoping I don’t get drug under again. It has took a toll and the worst part is I want to be me again, I want to laugh, enjoy the company of friends, I want to wear a real smile again. I can see I have lost my Joy or more or less I have given it away. I have looked at everything around me with the mind set, it isn’t suppose to be this way, this isn’t what I signed up for! I have allowed my inability to have a clear view disturb me and because of that I have cast my Joy to the shore, like it doesn’t belong in the water with me. I have treated my Joy as if it is only made to reside on the dry safety of the shore. I have over looked that in the mist of murky waters, I have a Mighty God that has me right were I need to be for such a time as this and I should rejoice in that. I should not fear all is doomed and useless but relevant, purposeful and needed. I have failed to see that maybe I’m not standing in the waters to pull someone else out, maybe I’m in the water so I will finally see that I am anchored to the shore and in tow anyone I might be holding on to. I am failing to see that there is no danger in being pulled under again because my Savior lives and holds tight to me. I am anchored to the shore by Gods promises.

A few weeks ago something awesome happened for my son and I was telling my best friend all the details. The happenings of the day were incredible but my sons reaction to some of the events that took place had us laughing till we hurt. You would have to know my son and his personality to get the humor but it was one of those things that you can’t make up. As we laughed and went through the details of this totally awesome experience, I began to tell her the other side of what made the day so great. I began to tell her how the pieces, spread over weeks, fit together perfectly for this day to even occur. Everything that I thought could have went wrong and prevented it were the exact reasons we were able to be right where we needed to be, at the exact time we needed to be there. God had a plan all along. He got us in the right place at the right time. He moved mountains, made us make hard decisions that we thought would end opportunities, but all it did was open doors for things bigger than we could have even imagine. The best part….we never saw it coming!!

I can give you a laundry list of reasons why I could throw my hands up in the air and give up, turn around and head back to the shore; and there is a handful that anyone would say I am totally justified in throwing in the towel. In these moments though, I can feel a peace that says “Be Still” and although everything in my nature tells me to move, to chase change…. I’ve been still! I don’t want to and at times I don’t think I need to, then I recall how I thought everything was a bust that rainy morning my son and I drove to Tuscaloosa. I also think of all the other things I thought I needed to be doing that day and how I thought we were wasting our time. That was because of my small limited view of this life and I had no idea what the big picture was, but God did! I keep going back to the moment where I could see how God had moved pieces together for months to get us to that exact moment and “Be Still” makes so much more sense now. A hundred times I could have messed it up, thinking I could see the path or figure out the formula. It’s times like now that I’m glad I don’t have to. I’m glad I can Be Still because I know He is God. I can’t always see what is in front of me, where my feet will land but I know WHO is all ready there, making a way and putting pieces together perfectly for me.

Be Still is hard, especially when you don’t want to be still. I want to move, run, change the path I think I can see coming. Everything in me is uneasy and fighting against trusting the unknown. All I know for certain is Gods Word never comes back void, that I rest in the hands of a Father that will never leave me or forsake me. I serve a God who is everlasting and orders my steps, works everything for my good and loves me more than I could ever fathom. I KNOW He is God, so Be Still should not bring me fear.  God did not give me a spirit of fear but of power, love and self control. So when I fear “Be Still” in the mist of chaos or moving through the murky waters of this world, I can have confidence that I do not stand nor walk alone. And once the waters clear, I will be able to see all the ways God has been holding on to me and fitting my pieces together.

I have declared to trust in the Lord and allow Him to walk me through these muddy waters, to allow Him to guide me through the places where I can’t see. I will stand in the depths of a ever changing sea, with full confidence knowing I am anchored to the shore. I will take back my words and not allow the enemy to silence me with fear. I will lift my voice in praise of the King of Kings as it appears the waters are about to over take me. No one or nothing will steal my identity or purpose because God has called me His own. He lifted me out of the ashes unscathed when the enemy tried to burn my life down. My purpose is greater than my pain and my Faith is greater than the fear. My God, My Savior is my Foundation and my Anchor in this murky, muddy world and His spirit lives inside of me.