Unlocking My Heart from the Shackles of the Past.

Learning To Love Again Was The Easy Part!!!

Anyone who has had their heart-broken has heard someone say “Dont worry you will learn to love again”. At the point you usually hear this you are so hurt or angry the thought of ever loving another human being, ever giving someone the power to hurt you is dang near on  the impossible side of the scale. Although it is your greatest desire; it is also the one emotion you want nothing to do with…..at all!  We all heal from broken hearts in many different ways and a vast array of different time frames. No matter the manner or time it takes to heal your brokeness, someone comes along that makes choosing to love again as easy and effortless as breathing, it is so natural you don’t even realize you fell in love until that person is the very air you breath. The reason mornings are so much brighter, every song on the radio seems to have a bird’s eye view of your new found romance, everything is just a little sweeter and not so salty. You hear birds singing as your day begins because they are no longer drowned out by the stifling cloud of despair that surrounds you like Pig Pen off Charlie Brown. You actually see the stars at night gleam and sparkle like it was the first time you saw the vastness of a night sky. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!

After my heart was broken in ways I never thought could be repaired, I knew for certain I could never love anyone again. One, I just didn’t have it in me; I had given someone my all, everything I was…..I had nothing left to give. I was done with Love!! I tried it, got burned and didn’t need it. EVER!!! Now don’t get me wrong I am a woman so there was always that romantic, storybook, Disney princess, happily ever after notion inside of me, I wanted everything love was supposed to be, but had convinced myself it was all make-believe and unattainable in real life. I even settled in to the fact I was meant to be single, it was my purpose, there was no reason to keep looking or dreaming of this falling in love thing with a dark handsome stranger who had been right in front of me the whole time, I just never noticed him (probably because of my Pig Pen dust cloud I carried around lol) or daydreams of flowers and notes left on my windshield from a secret admirer. I had given up the fantasy of seeing someone smile when they notice me walking into the room or look at me in awe and tell me I’m beautiful ( even at 6am with my hair ratty on top of my head, no make up on and the worst T-shirt and shorts I own, half asleep with morning breath because he showed up at my front door, coffee in hand because he thought I might want some) #imnotamorningperson!!!!. I gave up on dinners and talking, good mornings and good night darlings. I had given up on ever being kissed again, holding hands, of ever being in love ever ever ever again. Oh but loving him was so easy, it was so easy I don’t even think I realized I did at first, he sent that wall crashing down before I even realized it was gone, I didnt even get a chance to fight it. He walked straight through my Pig Pen cloud, dust buster in one hand grabbing my hand with his other, kissed me on the cheek and sucked up every last particle of my love doubt cloud! For the first time in a very long while I was Snoopy dance and singing, smiling and looking at the stars!!

There is so much more to our whirlwind love story, it was easy…like canned cheese, it was like we had known each other our whole life. It was like everyone had said, I had learned to love again without even trying, without looking or even wanting to (actually I was avoiding any type of encounter with anyone who might try to do something crazy like try to talk to me, believe me I could see one coming a mile away and had 14 escape routes preplanned ready to be executed with military precision) but I never saw this dude coming with his sniper, ninja like skills! There was something no one ever warned me about though, a secret no one bothered to share. The hard part was never about me being able to love or trust again, what would be the hardest part of a new relationship would be me allowing myself to be loved again, believing someone would honestly and wholeheartedly love me. I would be my own problem, I would unknowingly try to sabotage my own happily ever after. No one told me about the doubt that would flood my mind when I was complimented, the second guessing on if someone could really like me at all much less this much, there had to be other motives. They didn’t warn me about how I would want him near and keep him at arm’s length at the same time because I couldn’t believe someone would want to spend THAT much time with me. No one told me God can hand you everything you prayed for and I would continue to watch for all the reasons to bail. I would be whole heartedly wanting it but also waiting for it to implode at the same time because that was the pattern of my life: If it seems to good to be true….. it is, don’t be a fool AGAIN!! No one really means forever these days right!!  No one told me it was never about if I could love again but if I would allow myself to be loved again. The major question up in the air was if I would let go of the brokeness I had once experienced and have hope and faith in something new, leaving reservations, doubts, past fears at the door or would I continue to drag those shackles with me into the next chapter God had given me. Would I continue to be chained to past disappointments and heart breaks. Could I allow something to be brand new, untainted by our past lives or would every move made be held in comparison to the ones before who unapologetically brought us to our knees and calloused our hearts.

Loving again was easy; the hard part is not comparing this new adventure, this new season with all the pain, heartache, and mistrust of intentions experienced in the last. Its allowing yourself to believe you can be loved and loved to the fullest by another human being. Its trusting that someone doesn’t have to  have a laundry list of reasons why they love you other than their out right devotion to walk side by side with you through this life. Its choosing to give someone a chance to be all those unbelievably remarkable romantic fairytales you have dreamed about without the thought of “yep this wont last forever” because it can if you aren’t a jerk, just waiting to be hurt again. We destroy so much in our lives that could be great due to our expectations that there is a fatal flaw somewhere. When we drag the old in with the new, we slowly poison the new season we have been so richly blessed with. Matthew 6:34 reminds me daily to not worry for tomorrow for each day has enough troubles of its own, the same is true for the past. If we are to face each day as it is given to us we can’t worry about tomorrow and we CAN NOT drag yesterdays troubles into today. We have the ability to single-handedly destroy all the Lord blesses us with, the enemy is constantly reminding us of our past so to steal the future God has for us. Allow new things to be new, let go of the past for it is done and gone, live in today for it is the day the Lord had made for you, and don’t worry for tomorrow because He goes before us and makes our way!

Dont just look to love again, but allow yourself to be loved in a brand new way!

God is a creator He makes things NEW!!