AAAHH. Its been a while since you wrote anything, I was just recently reminded by a sweet friend the other day. As I assured her I’ve been writing I just haven’t published anything lately, I really realized I hadn’t felt lead to publicly share some of the ways God has moved and things He had revealed recently in my life. I’m not really understanding why I haven’t felt that nudge, because I am sitting on some very interesting passages that have collected in that purple journal. I never really knew the impact these pages would have for myself nor did I ever think I would ever share them publicly, but here lately as I go to things I’ve wrote about to put together a post to share, the Spirit tells me not now and I haven’t been sure why. Although you won’t find any evidence about this post throughout the many pages of that purple journal, you won’t find notes, thoughts, doodles, or the scripture I have found, tying and confirming the thoughts I’ve put on paper associated with this topic, it is the reason why so many of my journals and writings exist. It was merely my outlet, my thoughts, fears, joys, my sanity in the times I couldn’t find rest. It (writing) has always been my way of coping with my anxiety, depression, my introvertness since I was a child. For anyone who deals with anxiety or depression, and the two tend to go hand in hand, you know how thoughts can flood your mind, and how a single thought can release a flood gate that can spiral out of control before you ever realize what is happening. In a single moment your alone…..again…yet in a crowded room….heart racing…..chest tightening like there is not enough air in the room to fill your lungs. This my friends is when the panic sets in and like in the movies when the actor starts looking around franticly, everything blurs around you, all your senses are heightened, the surrounding noise gets louder, the crowd around you closes in, your trapped….your trapped again……and through all this you are fighting with all that you are to not let it show, to not to fall to your knees, hands over your ears and scream till it all goes away…. but you can’t let it show….never…ever let it show!!
What would people say if they knew how easily you freaked out and about nonsense.
Oh how silly they would think you were!!
These moments remind of the Miranda Lambert song Momma’s Broken Heart, the line “Hide your crazy and start acting like a lady” I know it sounds silly to most but that is the reality of the fight. You see anxiety makes you think there is a physical problem, something serious going on in your body, rather it is chest pains, breathing issues, room spinning, the panic of the unknown and the lack of ability to control your body and surroundings creates a prison that you can either spend the rest of your life in or learn to free yourself from.
I have been on anxiety medication and depression meds, which have led to the need of medication to help me sleep which then led to issues of not being able to stay awake all topped with the obvious appetite issues that comes with being on any medication. I have also been to counselors as a child and an adult. It all created a cycle for me that was more overwhelming than the anxiety itself, the anxiety meds heightened my depression because of the need to have to take a pill to make me “normal” and not be such a pain in the rear to those dealing with me, the depression meds affected my sleep, either too much or not enough of, depending on which medication we were trying at the time, which in turn directly affected my eating habits causing weight issues that increased my anxiety and depression…….see the cycle!!!!!!
SOOOOOOOOO
Do I have a handle on my anxiety?………….Honestly somedays are better than others but it is an on going battle.
There came a time when I realized the medication cycle was never going to “fix” what was going on with me, honestly I never realized it but I do believe it was the first time I allowed God into the prison cell I had been living in. It was the first time …of all the times He had told me that I really listened and a piece of me believed when He told me there was no need to continue to try and “fix” me because I had never been defective in the first place. It was the first time I realized I could continue to throw all the worlds solutions at my so called “problem” but none of them were ever going to “fix” any of it at all. I wish I could tell you that from that moment I was set free but I wasn’t and where I haven’t always understood why God just didn’t snap His fingers and release me, I sit here today thankful for every attack, every late night I have spent rocking with my head between my knees begging for relief, every time I have zoned out and clawed my neck and shoulder to pieces trying to keep control and calm myself without anyone knowing, thankful for the times I’ve been taken to the ER because I physically felt like I was having a heart attack and the clarity in these moments God gave me to realize that the enemy was using my anxiety to control me and keep me spinning out of control away from my purpose. I am grateful God opened my mind to face this head on to learn my triggers and turn to Him when things get skwirly, because there was a purpose all along for me not being “normal”, there was a purpose for the way I see and deal with the world in the manner I do, a purpose I still don’t fully know nor understand but I trust my God makes no mistakes and the things He gives me to face have value and don’t need fixing.
He gave me an escape…
He gave me a testimony…..
He gave me something different….
He gave me silence……
He gave me my greatest gift hidden in the darkness of my most difficult trial……writing!!
He gave me a way to share how mighty He is, when I couldn’t speak a word of it….
For in my silence is when His greatest works are done in me, for none of it is my doing, nothing in me is clean nor pure everything that is good in me is from Him, by Him and because of His love for me.
I am UnDeserving but greatly Loved
TommieD
runningfromnineveh.com 
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