This has not been a “joyful” time of year for me for a few years now. It was more of a reminder, a twisting of the knife placed in my heart you see. I dreaded putting up the tree and I haven’t even got out my decorations in 2 years. Putting up the tree was always a family affair, back then we always had a real tree. We couldn’t wait to see the massive elegance pull in the drive way, and loved all the times he had to drag it in and out multiple times to cut it so it would even fit in the house. We have never had one of those fancy “mall” trees, our tree has always been covered with ornaments made by the boys. Photo frames, popsicle reindeer and so forth. Where the ornaments changed each year, there was always something new, one thing had stayed the same since 98 our angel that sat on top. She stood over our tree and family for many years, until the past few, the boys would dig her out and put her on top but that wasn’t how it went. That wasn’t our tradition, I had already went and got us a tree which wasn’t the traditional way we always did it, and sadly the angel sent me over the edge, it broke the camels back so to say. (note as I write this I am smiling at how emotional and silly I was) So when everyone was asleep I would remove the angel and put her back in her box, because she just couldn’t be thrown on top of the tree by just anybody and it all be the same. It wasn’t the same and never would be again and her golden tail wasn’t sitting up there pretending she made it all better. I know every single parent can relate, and I want you to know it is ok to be emotional even silly at times, its ok to miss “the little things” that are really big things, its ok to hurt, and its ok to stand in your back yard in the pouring rain at 3am and ugly cry because its the only time you have to yourself to let it all out so you don’t look like a fool, so you don’t snap and pick the whole dang tree up and toss it out in the road along with the cat and anything else you can find to throw out with it at that moment where no one can see you and tell you its all going to be ok you’ll make new memories your better off blah blah blah blah!.!.!.(its a run on on purpose!)
I want to tell you.. its ok to hurt, to feel like something is missing ..because it is, the thing is your not going to stay there forever, you will find joy again. Just remember there is no set time frame for grief, for mourning and that is what you are going through, its different for everyone, take your time and heal on your terms. Just be sure to make this time as joyful as possible for your kids, they are hurting and healing too and need to see your smile, even if it is hiding a broken heart. Don’t throw the tree outside in front of them and be sure its all back in order by the time they wake up, it is possible to duct tape branches back on.. trust me. The brown kind conceals the collateral damage quite well. Oh and bring the cat back in too!!
What I’m getting at is.. its going to hurt for a while, take your time but don’t let the hurt steal the Joy that still remains in your home and what really matters. It wont be the same whether that angels on the tree or not, and its ok because that was just tradition, it was never what it was all about. It never made Christmas whole, complete. You see it doesn’t matter what goes on top of that tree or who puts it there, or what tradition your family lost. I’ve learned although its not the same, what really matters, what makes this time so great is the things that haven’t changed at all….hot chocolate all over the kitchen counter because the boys are fighting over the last cup, peppermints becoming weapons of mass destruction without warning, my 12 year old sitting in my lap while we watch The Grinch, my 17 year old tangled up in christmas lights because he has no problem solving skills at all (bless his heart) and all three of us piled up on the couch under one blanket laughing at stupid stuff. Its not the same as it once was but it brings me great joy to spend these moments with them. Moments that wont be here next year, moments I will remember when they are grown. Although so much has changed what really matters is all the things that haven’t.
This season is not about tradition, its about a relationship. The people you do still share this beautiful holiday with and those who want to share it with you. Things wont be the same next year as they are this year and a time will come when you see the Joy in that, my dear just give it time. Make it a point to find Joy in the ones you still share this season with, because the traditions and all the things planned aren’t what defines you, what defines what your family is or isn’t anymore or the season itself. It is the small moments that are spent with those that love you and the relationships that will last a lifetime. Don’t worry about replacing old memories with new or old traditions with new ones, focus on the relationships you have, enjoy the little things that make you smile because soon you will notice they were the big things that healed your heart.
Thank you Lord for all you have taught me through this season in my life, I consider it all Pure Joy and fully submit to your purpose. Thank you for all those you have placed in my life and the ways they have spoke your love, grace and hope into me and my children. Thank you Lord for all the tears and allowing the brokeness I have suffered, for though it you have given me the gift of endurance, taught me the importance perseverance, you have shown me an unfailing love. Thank you Lord for being with me at 3am, thank you for the rain that would always drown out my cries, so it was only you and me, and thank you for brown duct tape that one time I needed it the most. Amen
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