This took a while and several sittings to write, not because the words were not there, but because I didn’t want to accept them. Where God was leading me didn’t fit into my box, my plan!! God is never meant to fit into our box though, we fit into His!!
“And Jesus said to him, “Leave the dead to bury their own dead. But as for you, go and proclaim the kingdom of God” Luke 9:60 (ESV)
I am in awe of Gods power and might, how he always goes before us and to see Him moving in the world around you is life changing. The past few months I have been studying prayer and recently have added studying and breaking down the Armor of God. This past weeks study was all about the Belt of Truth. So I have been focused on Gods truths and really being conscience that my steps and actions in every situation that presents itself, in my everyday circumstances, is in line with the Word of God (passing everything through scripture). So when a situation presented its self, one that would ultimately effect someone very dear to me, upsetting and hurting them. Of course, I felt frustrated, angry and a bit disgusted, for this has been an on going problem that has been brought to the offenders attention on several occasions, yet the behavior continues. While everything in me wanted to vocalize every emotion that was bubbling to the surface, just waiting for me to open my mouth, so to spill off my lips, everything I knew to be true about the consequences of the actions that was about to be put into motion, I then remembered what I had been studying, the importance of Girding. So passing what I wanted to do ( all in my head at that moment: I could only imagine the expression on my face… probably priceless) through scripture I was reminded of Eph. 4:29 “Let no unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those that hear.” Nothing I had to say at that moment was going to build up or show grace. So my mouth…I did not open!!! I was still frustrated for a while, why does someone who is truly innocent in this circumstance have to be let down and hurt over and over again. I and others have prayed on this matter, for a change in this person. Why would someone knowingly continue to demonstrate this behavior time and time again? They “know” Gods word, they know the effects in this world and in eternity for their actions yet it continues, how can someone be so selfish? I believe we have all had someone like this in our lives, someone you just could not get through to, if they would just surrender to Gods call completely and not just for show or the be a “good person” checking off a box on the How to be a Christian check list, they could do unmeasurable things for the kingdom of God. I have prayed HARD for this person, I have Asked and Petitioned for this situation and the ripple effect it continues to have daily. Yet the highs and lows continue, the pattern is so recognizable it is exhausting. They have all the information and continue to choose the wide path. What Im about to say next may sound harsh it did to me at first too, it took me a few days to work through it. Please note I am talking about those relationships that drain you, that change your state of being when present, that make you compromise who you are in Christ, compromise morals and can steal your joy and even doubt Gods presents at times. Those relationships that the person has lied and covered up wrongs for so long that they believe they are telling the truth, that it is reality and have convinced those around them that their position in a circumstance is true and they have done all they can do. I’m talking about those people in your life that play the victim to a situation they created and spin it distorting truth and pointing fingers in hope no one will ever see through them.
For years….years I have prayed for change, some of the change I was given I didn’t like, it wasn’t what I thought change would look like. I have prayed for, cried for, begged for this person, I have walked through the fire time and time again. Stood beside them when the world told me to run. Gave every ounce of myself, put all my faith, hope into the person I know they are deep down inside, only to be pushed away time and time again and then be told in some way it was my fault and that I deserve it. Those you make every effort possible to engage with, move mountains for, swallow pride for, even make a total fool of yourself only to be pushed away, cut off, and then when your guarded your called cold, bitter, harsh, unloving, even uncaring. After all these years I continue to pray daily for this person, fervently and with purpose but these days things are a little different.. I have come to understand what Jesus meant when he said “Follow Me, and let the dead bury their own dead”. For so long I didn’t understand this statement wasn’t referencing physical death but spiritual death. Being spiritually dead isn’t always seen on the outside, there are so many people who know scripture, go to church, and look the part but are spiritually dead. The thing about this is you and I we can’t tell, will never be able to tell, it is a matter between that person and God. Only He knows someone’s heart. When the scripture above was revealed to me, I had never really dug into it before, but as God lead me through his word, there was a release for me. A release of guilt, of the wonder, of where I went wrong, where I messed up. I no longer felt the need to tear every minute apart trying to figure out what I did wrong, why everything I had put in some how wasn’t enough. I felt a release of fear, fear of the consequences of letting go and the repercussions of no longer being there to fix and cover up the trail of destruction left behind. The release of the pressure of breaking myself to make good and make sense of someone else’s wrongs, someone else lies, and if I somehow caused it. Releasing the fear of what will happen if anyone, everyone ever learns the real truth, the real reasons, and how devastating it will be to them and those who trusted them all this time. More than anything the release of all the insecurities that had been forced down my throat and repeated daily for so long.
For so long I have been face down in a pool of tears, brokeness, heartache, giving everything I had, pouring all that I was into a never ending black hole, a void. I even lived in that dark, cold pit for quite some time, hoping that would be enough. Alone in the dark, begging, pleading…….only to be given more darkness. Even after going through Gods word, opening my eyes to His truth, listening to his call to let go, to leave it to Him, to “turn around, be strong now”. I didn’t want to, never did, to let go was to leave them alone in this world something I promised to never do, no matter what, no matter the cost to myself! That is when I put myself on that dirt road, standing, looking into the face of Jesus, knowing I had a choice to stay where I was and make excuses for someone else or to go, to follow Him, to let the dead bury there own dead, and open my eyes looking forward to the abundant life God has for me. Was continuing to do what I had been doing worth the cost of my soul? Was it worth the cost of denying God His Glory for my own personal satisfaction in the matter? Could I look into the face of Jesus and say no, what Im doing here is more important/better than going with the Son of God?
Everyday their name is on my lips as I pray and my prayers for them hasn’t changed but I have, because I chose to follow Christ while standing on that dirt road leaving all I had ever known, for the unknown. Climbing out of a dark pit, not knowing what is next but knowing the purpose is greater than the cost I could ever pay. Knowing that by following and serving my God all those I love will reap the benefits of my choice, even if I never get to experience the transformation in their lives for myself. For no glory can come to God by continuing to stand still in darkness. I will gird His truths and follow! I will not look back for what lies ahead is far to great!
Lord, I pray they do not reap the full extent of what they have sown, for they know not what they do. Renew their hearts and give them new life. Take care of them in my absence and by Your Grace someday may they know the love I have always had for them. Amen
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